Recovery so far has been a journey of sadness, anger, shame and a lot of tears. It has been hard conversation with my family, devastating confessions with my psychiatrist and mourning of long-term friendships. I am currently in a psychiatric outpatient program where I am learning the skills to be a functioning adult that is not afraid of having feelings.
Right now I feel lucky. A second chance, a new start at life and a loving family around me that I never knew I had. My sister, found me this program, gave me goals, skills, parameter and structure in the immediate days after my suicide attempt that allowed me to navigate the darkness of depression. Without her I think I would be in a very different place right now. My other sister kept me safe over the last few months, navigated difficult conversations with the people I have hurt and has given me the greatest gift: a safe, patient space to try my new skills and learn to communicate my feelings. My parents have shown me kindness and love that I didn’t know I could feel. They have allowed me to be open without judgment, shown me that I am and have always been worthwhile. And all of my friends, some of whom have driven me to this path and some of whom I leave here but take powerful memories of love, laughter and care with me.
I am the most fortunate person in the world.
I am also nervous. I am trying to be conscious of my old habits and not use them in my new life. Typically when I am headed into something new, I plan, I plan out what I am going to say, how I am going to react, how I am going to be around people and what lies I may or may not tell. I am diligently trying not to do that. I want to just let life happen, no planning, no lies, just being in the moment. When things get too much, when things get too deep, when I want to lie, when I want to be the hero, when I want to be the one with all the answers I will stop. I will close my mouth and remember that I am enough.
I have never been a spiritual person and I think that’s because I have always been trying to control everyone around me that I arrogantly considered myself the highest power in my life (that didn’t really work out all that well) but I have to say that I believe that there is something out there. I don’t know what and I think it will take some exploring on my part but I will say that prayer and meditation have helped immensely. I never meditated before. I thought it was bull. But I have learned the art of giving my brain a small break. It’s wonderful. Its not a religious experience or an out of body experience its just a rest, it stops me from the cravings of lying, its stops me wanting to reach out the people I have hurt, it stops me from being afraid of being with myself. I am learning to be kind to myself, so I can be kind to others.
Back in January in the hospital I told my sister I was a monster. She replied with “You are not a monster, you acted like a monster but you are not a monster” I didn’t understand it at the time, but it makes more sense now. I can be a good person.
This will be a battle. It’s a battle for my life, but one I go into supported, strong and with much resolve.
With that, I say goodbye to the old Sithara.