“Past & Presents” is a collaborative photo project where I explore gifts that have been given to me in the past by people whom I have lied to, victimize, emotionally abused and exploited. I don’t know how to articulate that I am sorry with every inch of my being, but I do know how to use a camera, so for right now art will be my voice. SF
The Present- this was the first gift, a small token from a person who would pull me off that path of destruction and whom I owe my life to. This was the start, I just saw it as another workout book, and I never believed that you cared, but you did. I never picked up that you wanted me to be happy, that you wanted me to enjoy life and that you wanted to see me recover from the wildfire.
The lies – Many lies and many gifts, so I will address the lies at the time this gift was given. I told you many stories about being in Fort McMurray during evacuation, all of that was a lie, I am not a hero, the fire scared me and I tucked my tail and ran. I never possessed any courage as Fort McMurray was burning; I was selfish and terrified. I lied to you about relationships, I lied to you about my sexual orientation and I lied about being more important that I am.
The truth - I was, lonely, immature, and scared. I never opened up to you, I never told you how I was really feeling and my giant overblown ego pulled you along on a journey that was a selfish fabrication of me trying to feel loved.
I manipulated you, I extracted kindness at the extent of your family, I stole time from you and your child and I tainted so many experiences. The truth is after more than a decade of friendship, you knew me better than I knew myself. The gift you gave me was freedom from the monster of mental illness and in return in gave you fear of being in your own home. I am sorry. I am profoundly sorry.
I humbly ask for your forgiveness, but I do not expect nor do I deserve it.