“Past & Presents” is a collaborative photo project where I explore gifts that have been given to me in the past by people whom I have lied to, victimize, emotionally abused and exploited. I don’t know how to articulate that I am sorry with every inch of my being, but I do know how to use a camera, so for right now art will be my voice. SF
The Present – A simple wall decoration with the statement “I Love You to the Moon and Back” given to me for my new house. I never put pictures up in my home, despite all of the family picture, art work, and gifts like this that I owned it wasn’t until October of 2017 when a friend helped me adorn my walls that I put anything up. I think the empty walls mirrored the emptiness inside and I used that as comfort.
The lies – I have lied to this person more than any other person in my life, I manipulated them, I emotionally abused them, I lied to get attention from them, I lied to pull them away from their significant other and I lied to take advantage of the unlimited kindness they possessed. Throughout my 20’s I tried with everything I had to change my sexual orientation and this person was the victim of all of that abuse. I thought if I lied hard enough eventually I would be “normal”
The truth – I am a simple person with a simple past. I never told them I was a lesbian, I never disclosed my fears of rejection, I never told them that the free spirit they possess inspired me in so many ways. I never realized how fortunate I was to have this person in my life, they kept me away from drugs and alcohol, they supported me in all of my endeavours and they always encouraged me to seek happiness. I never realized that when they said “I love you to the moon and back” they meant it; I never understood the impact of those words until it was too late. I never had the courage to believe in love.
I cannot imaging the pain that I have inflicted, the sorrow I have driven into this household and the fear that this individual must feel from knowing they had a monster so close to them for so long. I am sincerely and profoundly sorry.
I humbly ask for your forgiveness, however I know I have done the unforgivable.