The Christmas Stocking

The Gift – A beautiful handmade Christmas stocking with my favorite pattern and a bear to symbolize my work life as a wildlife biologist. It was the most incredibly feeling getting this gift seeing my name on it and realizing that for Christmas I had a place to be. This was the darkest most stressful time of my life and you reached out and showed me that I was worthwhile.

The Lies – I pretended to be something I’m not, I pretended to be a hero, I played the victim I lied to get attention and so I wouldn’t be alone. I exploited your family, I emotionally abused your daughter, I stayed in your home and took up your time and space all while being deceitful and I am so sorry.

The Truth – You accepted me for who I was, as I was. I didn’t need to pretend and I wish I had the courage to reach out to you. You showed me patience, love, kindness, and caring; I showed you anger, deceit and fear. I am sorry. This relationship showed me something that scared me more than anything has scared me in my life; you showed me how strong faith can be, how powerful religion is and how you can rely on a higher power to help, protect, heal and calm you.

Control has been a central theme in my life. I use to get afraid when I wasn’t in control, I get scared, and I get anxious. I would manipulate and control others with my anger, with my lies, with my stories to get what I want. After 31 years of trying to control everything I completely lost control and I lost my mind. You exemplified to me what faith is, its not having control, its not wanting control, its is knowing with certainty that life will unfold exactly as it should and I should not fear that. Having you in my life for that short time has made my recovery possible, I am learning to let go, to have faith and to leave it up to whomever is out there.

You gave me the gift of knowing that I am never alone and I cannot thank you enough. I humbly ask for your forgiveness.